spouse issues - need help

[imhott]

1 hour ago, Konebhar6 said:

Socializing is a problem ba. Make a friend or two. May be one of the kids moms  .Kidding. There is something else to your problem which you are not revealing or even you dont know. You need to look deep into yourself.

could be anna, not sure on the exact reason, but definitely the pressure on me is buidling up. kids wont leave me to work even for 10mins, I cannot leave them with her, she always shouts and yells at them and I cant take that.  my second kid is just 2 years, just few hours back he is saying he doesnt like mom and he wants daddy only.

kids ki konchem attention ivvali kada atleast till they grow a little older. avemi akkarledu naku na work e important ante etla? india lo unte evaro help untaru so it may work out there, but ikkada anni panulu maname cheskovali, still offload almost all tasks to me ante naku burden avvada?

[pakeer_saab]

6 hours ago, imhott said:

Ive been stuggling a lot w/ spouse from sometime and seemingly at a dead end now.

We both work remotely full time and have 2 kids. they go to day care and school.

wife's top priority is her job and career. never cares about my, kids, or home. Only thing she does is cooks fresh food daily, which I truly appreciate btw. Rest all things I have to do, from getting kids ready to day care, their breakfast, dropping and picking from school, classes, feeding them dinner (incl. lunch on weekdays). Even in the class whatsapp group all are mom's of kids, I'm the only dad which is weird. She doesnt want to involve in any of kids things, doesnt know the name of kids day care or teachers, never asks them how their day was etc.

even kids got so used to me that they come to me if they are hungry, sleepy or even potty, even if their mom is next to them. Maybe they realized that she is not gonna help them in anyway. We cannot afford to hire a nanny due to our payscales. None of our family members can fly here due to health issues.

When I bring this topic to her, it always starts with an argument and ends with a fight. she never cares to listen and understand as most women do. I feel so overwhelmed with work, kids, house chores and so suffocated. I'm an introvert and have no good friend circle if I want to go out and spend time with them. I have very few good friends who are in other cities, i talk to them sometimes over call. our chex life is poor too. Given so much work at job, home and kids, I am not able to go out for sports or gym that I used to go few years back. I do 30-min workout at home 4-5 times a week which I enjoy.

these days I'm observing lot of mood swings in me, very happy for sometime and then suddenly very sad/angry for no reason. suddenly become so dull and outburst to tears even though I'm not thinking of anything. I should talk to a therapist maybe. This stress is going to kill me someday. getting lot of suicidal thoughts but then thinking of kids makes me not to take any drastic step. I went to my home in India sometime back, kadupu ninda trupti ga annam akkada tinna . she doesnt want to move to hyd for good also.

any help folks to how to manage myself? adagalante ne adola undi, never thought my life will be so much screwed up. is this normal at most households ?

dads are the new moms in this century. suck it up and live with it

women feel their career is more important than being the most important role of a women (mother), one cannot explain this to a women, if they need someone to explain this, the one explaining is the idiot.

find a job that needs you in office, your problems are solved, you get 8 hr break

the day you do it effortlessly is the day she feel bad about herself

very few women have concerns for mental health of spouse, you need to develop good mental health habits like spirituality, reading/listening good self-help books

most important, think the problems you have are very small compared to others in the world

 

[imhott]

2 hours ago, Point said:

Don't complain and plan 

laundy only once a week (keep it friday evening) wash and fold the same day 

use machines for help, use dishwasher to clean all your dishes don't use hands

use robot vaccums and hire cleaners for once a month. 

not complaining sir, ikkada kuda help adagakapothe not sure what should i do? I do all these listed

[rako]

6 hours ago, imhott said:

Ive been stuggling a lot w/ spouse from sometime and seemingly at a dead end now.

We both work remotely full time and have 2 kids. they go to day care and school.

wife's top priority is her job and career. never cares about my, kids, or home. Only thing she does is cooks fresh food daily, which I truly appreciate btw. Rest all things I have to do, from getting kids ready to day care, their breakfast, dropping and picking from school, classes, feeding them dinner (incl. lunch on weekdays). Even in the class whatsapp group all are mom's of kids, I'm the only dad which is weird. She doesnt want to involve in any of kids things, doesnt know the name of kids day care or teachers, never asks them how their day was etc.

even kids got so used to me that they come to me if they are hungry, sleepy or even potty, even if their mom is next to them. Maybe they realized that she is not gonna help them in anyway. We cannot afford to hire a nanny due to our payscales. None of our family members can fly here due to health issues.

When I bring this topic to her, it always starts with an argument and ends with a fight. she never cares to listen and understand as most women do. I feel so overwhelmed with work, kids, house chores and so suffocated. I'm an introvert and have no good friend circle if I want to go out and spend time with them. I have very few good friends who are in other cities, i talk to them sometimes over call. our chex life is poor too. Given so much work at job, home and kids, I am not able to go out for sports or gym that I used to go few years back. I do 30-min workout at home 4-5 times a week which I enjoy.

these days I'm observing lot of mood swings in me, very happy for sometime and then suddenly very sad/angry for no reason. suddenly become so dull and outburst to tears even though I'm not thinking of anything. I should talk to a therapist maybe. This stress is going to kill me someday. getting lot of suicidal thoughts but then thinking of kids makes me not to take any drastic step. I went to my home in India sometime back, kadupu ninda trupti ga annam akkada tinna . she doesnt want to move to hyd for good also.

any help folks to how to manage myself? adagalante ne adola undi, never thought my life will be so much screwed up. is this normal at most households ?

Immediately start using Vitamin D. Start with high doses like 60000iu. 

next, I can understand what you’re going through. But, the best option to is help your self until your wife understand the situation. Inka vere options unnai which won’t help to keep your family together and Happy dot.

[DallasKarreBaluGadu]

1 hour ago, Konebhar6 said:

If doing dishes is a problem, start using paper plates (cheaper at walmart) on days when you have no energy. 

For iron of clothes, you don't need to iron. Put them in dryer for a minute or two. Most folds go away. Learnt this from a friend. 

there is always a solution for every problem. Look for it, rather than a decision that impacts kids. 

@imhott

Put ice cube in dryer for 10 min all wrinkles will go away 

[DallasKarreBaluGadu]

1 minute ago, rako said:

Immediately start using Vitamin D. Start with high doses like 60000iu. 

next, I can understand what you’re going through. But, the best option to is help your self until your wife understand the situation. Inka vere options unnai which won’t help to keep your family together and Happy dot.

If @imhott really does everything to kids at home, how does he has this much time to reply on this thread, just curious! 

[Konebhar6]

6 minutes ago, imhott said:

could be anna, not sure on the exact reason, but definitely the pressure on me is buidling up. kids wont leave me to work even for 10mins, I cannot leave them with her, she always shouts and yells at them and I cant take that.  my second kid is just 2 years, just few hours back he is saying he doesnt like mom and he wants daddy only.

kids ki konchem attention ivvali kada atleast till they grow a little older. avemi akkarledu naku na work e important ante etla? india lo unte evaro help untaru so it may work out there, but ikkada anni panulu maname cheskovali, still offload almost all tasks to me ante naku burden avvada?

Raising kids is not easy. Ask your parents about it. Seriously. I asked my parents about it recently and was amazed at the feedback and how much they were stressed out even though I always thought my sis and I were nice to them and never saw them. It will change your perspective.

I understand your situation. But someone has to take care of kids. Most families men dont take care of kids and women feel the same way as you. In your case its reverse. I still think your wife loves your kids more than you (She gave birth .. duh..) Some people cannot show it and are adverse to taking responsibility. 

She might be taking you for granted. Things are getting done. Why does she need to do all that if you are doing it. So start with not taking so much interest in kids. Kids will adapt fast. Let her see the results. Let her come to negotiation table and then you start taking control asking her to do certain things. 

We all have frustrations - different ones. Not everyone's life is as rosy as they project it. Its very normal to feel the way you are. Find things that make you feel happy and start doing those things. FIND TIME. Manage your stress. Pls do consult your hospital or a mental health care specialist and they will suggest you coping mechanisms or managing your stress. 

[pakeer_saab]

17 minutes ago, imhott said:

na take home lo anni expenses/investments ayyaka maha aithe 400-500 migulutayi, tana takehome salary lo bane untay, couple of thousands, but she says its her money and no way she will use for us as a family.

basically, she is planning her financial future very well

you need to start making her pay for half mortgage too

500$ savings tho idu emi chestadu le manalni ani koda anukuntundemo

first profile her and see what you gut says, is she a legal wife or real wife

once you find out if it legal wife, your kids need you more than her. so plan your day correctly and minimize stress

increase your focus at work when kids are yet to come from school, any pending work, do it between 9-12pm

with right planning, you can easily overcome

most important of all, "BE A FAKKING MAN"

 

[Konebhar6]

8 minutes ago, DallasKarreBaluGadu said:

Put ice cube in dryer for 10 min all wrinkles will go away 

nee yenkamma ... okka nimisham serious anukunna...

[Konebhar6]

23 minutes ago, imhott said:

na take home lo anni expenses/investments ayyaka maha aithe 400-500 migulutayi, tana takehome salary lo bane untay, couple of thousands, but she says its her money and no way she will use for us as a family.

This is a problem. If this is true, she is def not considering you all as a family. I have not seen this. Whats the reason she would give? 

Have you talked this with her parents? Does her parents not see this when she goes to India? 

[pakeer_saab]

12 minutes ago, rako said:

Immediately start using Vitamin D. Start with high doses like 60000iu. 

next, I can understand what you’re going through. But, the best option to is help your self until your wife understand the situation. Inka vere options unnai which won’t help to keep your family together and Happy dot.

good point, low Vit D can lead to depression very easily

[pakeer_saab]

1 minute ago, Konebhar6 said:

This is a problem. If this is true, she is def not considering you all as a family. I have not seen this. Whats the reason she would give? 

Have you talked this with her parents? Does her parents not see this when she goes to India? 

it is most likely the parents directing her, such behavior does not some if the parents have taught her basic things

I would first give belt treatment to her parents when they land in US

switch-light test will work out in most cases

 

 

[Konebhar6]

Agree on vitamins. Most people do not realize but a lot of problems we face is because of lack of some vitamin. Regardless of age (30+) start using a multi vitamin every day. 

[Konebhar6]

Just now, pakeer_saab said:

it is most likely the parents directing her, such behavior does not some if the parents have taught her basic things

I would first give belt treatment to her parents when they land in US

switch-light test will work out in most cases

 

 

Agree in most cases. But we do not know @imhott case. 

He needs to take things into his control. Stop being a victim mentality and push for things. He is being taken for granted for sure. 

[FrustratedVuncle]

6 hours ago, imhott said:

Ive been stuggling a lot w/ spouse from sometime and seemingly at a dead end now.

We both work remotely full time and have 2 kids. they go to day care and school.

wife's top priority is her job and career. never cares about my, kids, or home. Only thing she does is cooks fresh food daily, which I truly appreciate btw. Rest all things I have to do, from getting kids ready to day care, their breakfast, dropping and picking from school, classes, feeding them dinner (incl. lunch on weekdays). Even in the class whatsapp group all are mom's of kids, I'm the only dad which is weird. She doesnt want to involve in any of kids things, doesnt know the name of kids day care or teachers, never asks them how their day was etc.

even kids got so used to me that they come to me if they are hungry, sleepy or even potty, even if their mom is next to them. Maybe they realized that she is not gonna help them in anyway. We cannot afford to hire a nanny due to our payscales. None of our family members can fly here due to health issues.

When I bring this topic to her, it always starts with an argument and ends with a fight. she never cares to listen and understand as most women do. I feel so overwhelmed with work, kids, house chores and so suffocated. I'm an introvert and have no good friend circle if I want to go out and spend time with them. I have very few good friends who are in other cities, i talk to them sometimes over call. our chex life is poor too. Given so much work at job, home and kids, I am not able to go out for sports or gym that I used to go few years back. I do 30-min workout at home 4-5 times a week which I enjoy.

these days I'm observing lot of mood swings in me, very happy for sometime and then suddenly very sad/angry for no reason. suddenly become so dull and outburst to tears even though I'm not thinking of anything. I should talk to a therapist maybe. This stress is going to kill me someday. getting lot of suicidal thoughts but then thinking of kids makes me not to take any drastic step. I went to my home in India sometime back, kadupu ninda trupti ga annam akkada tinna . she doesnt want to move to hyd for good also.

any help folks to how to manage myself? adagalante ne adola undi, never thought my life will be so much screwed up. is this normal at most households ?