What is a typical sex life of someone who grew up and lived mainly in India compared to a Western co

[kevinUsa]

I grew up in the west and feel that I have a healthy relationship with sex and have had sex pretty regularly. Someone I know, who grew up in India, said that unmarried people have sex there but very infrequently, as they usually live with family. I was told that unmarried people cannot check into hotels together there??? I was also told that Indians are generally much more fearful of unplanned pregnancies (to the point of preferring abstinence at times) and that the people in the west are "more sexual."

I don't believe that. I think that most people are sexual and that those with conservative upbringings are probably repressed. Is that fair or too harsh? Thoughts? Counter-arguments?

[kevinUsa]

The repression part is true but the real struggles lies in getting space and privacy in a country that's so hugely populated. You know people will complain how hard normal men have it here, and while many points in that narrative are true; women have an equal number of difficulties. For sure, women can get guys to sleep with them easily here. But their difficulties aren't about "getting the guy" but what happens after they get laid ? for eg. how to hide it from parents ? what if the guy chases her even after the breakup ? what if the guy shares their private images online ? And for the men the difficulties are endless. To the point of their looks, insecurities, lack of value due to extreme competition etc. etc. Overall it's not like the west is more sexual. It is just that they have more freedom and opportunities for sex. Not to mention a progressive outlook too

[kevinUsa]

TBH, the views around sex and sensuality are extremely regressive in India, especially when it comes to rural India. In urban cities like Bengaluru/Mumbai, people are opening up and embracing the more open, progressive cultures, however it is still restricted to the top 10% of the society. Sex is and always have been pushed to the underbelly of the society. We do not have parents give us the birds and bees talk. Dating culture is developing slowly but still the women are so worried (rightfully so!) about creeps and general weirdos, that they are very cautious.

Furthermore, there is a reason that only the financially well-off sections of the society are more open towards this attitude. To be able to live alone, be able to afford going out and generally be financially stable enough to sustain that kind of lifestyle is a privilege. Also, since sex is not a commonplace thing, most men have a very misogynist/desperate approach towards it and we all know that is attractive to no one. So as a solution, people get into arranged marriages where most of them spend their lives having quite mediocre sex where the focus on female pleasure and female agency during sex is non-existent.

[kevinUsa]

Couldn’t agree more. This notion that the young rural people are not having sex is false. The folks in big cities are getting way less sex vs the rural folk. They youth there are more sexually active.

[kevinUsa]

Ultimately it depends on where you grow up (big/small city, rural area, etc.) and how privileged you are (financially atleast). Personally although I'm not from a metro city but tier 2 city, everyone I know and have known have progressive views regarding sex and dating, and once I moved to a metro city and realised that number increases but ultimately it depends on privilege, since I know and talk to people of all walks of life here.

Ultimately, I've found that richer people have progressive views since they've been exposed more to Western culture as compared to others, and hence hooking up & dating and sex are common + they can afford to stay in hotels or have friends with big apartments, etc.

[kevinUsa]

This is true but it depends on where you live to, I used live with my gf in Gangtok, also in Kolkata, no one gave a **, even in somewhat small towns in Bengal/Northeast living relationship is quite normal so people do have a lot of sex.

But this same thing can't possibly happen in many india states.

[kevinUsa]

There is a concept of "Unmet needs" Women in suburban , rural population wants to prevent pregnancy but accessibility, availability and affordability is an issue here. Condoms are given free by government but men refuse it because it doesn't feel great. OCP are also given free of cost but only married females will ask for it freely. Single females will not have OCP due to storage and need of consistent use. DMPA and non steroidal drugs are not yet largely accepted. IUCDs are accepted after 2 or 3 offsprings. Most of them use pull put method. Half of them generally don't care about family planning and produce babies like a hobby. There is no choice or autonomy of body as far as dependent illiterate poor females are concerned. Pregnancy is considered gift of god and planning around it is not even in thoughts.

[kevinUsa]

One time I got caught having sex with a girl in rural Poland by her parents and the mom threw a fit and threw me out of the house, the father was kind enough to drive me to a train station in the middle of the night since it was far away and there was snow on the ground. The train station was full of drunk people passed out on the benches (typical Poland). The next train wasn’t for hours but I was was fine with waiting, better than the hysterical mother. The girls dad said and shook my hand before leaving me there in the middle of nowhere. I don’t think anything like has ever occurred anywhere else ever. In india I would have probably been married to that girl. Which might not have been bad, she was studying to be a doctor 😝

[kevinUsa]

Gullu_software
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2y ago
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I am not in that scene now. Earlier I was in small town. I can tell you about that time. 1.youth lives with parents, and parents want them to focus on studies. 2. Girls had extra difficulties, if they are into it. It is a problem of getting arranged marriage. 3. Girls wanted to have sex, but they wanted to be sure that boy can be a future partner and lover her. 4. For girl, the sex was reward if you say, "I love you' first. 5. And it was not fault of girl too, if she just had flings with two three people, it could have become difficult to get a nice loving husband. 6. Because this was the problem with boys, "they wanted girls to do sex, but were not interested in marrying a girl or falling in love with a girl, who had various sexual partners. 7. I was amazed to find a pattern in English movies, where they are living together, having sex for months, and suddenly guy or girl says, "I love you" and other one becomes so happy. It is opposite here. If boy used to do sex, girl and her parents could have forced the boy to marry her. It doesn't matter, you love or not, you did sex , now marry. 8. And the boys are also on another level. Many of them without even any interaction, can say ,"I love you" to girl and can send love letters. 9. In western movies if one partner says ," I don't love you now". It creates a silence , heart break but an understanding. And another knows that ,"I can't force now", we should get separated. But in India it doesn't matter. Once you told , "I love you", you cannot change it, and now we will force you. 10. Boys want sex just for sex , but if they want to go further in relationship or marriage, it hurts them, and want to know , "how many partners you had" 11. If parent of the girl, find that ," boys are ok, and don't bother much about sexual history of my daughter, then they will do less restrictions". And girl also can feel free.

But yes we have now, new generation, which is different. Parents from new generation, which are different. So things are changing for good.

[kevinUsa]

ad_aatdtj
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2y ago
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Edited 2y ago
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It is very much still an expectation here, as are many of the archaic values. But it depends on who you're asking.

The sad truth is even the most privileged women in India are not actually free. I come from a VERY liberal family, with Western education, so I never had to worry about this. But now my friends who aren't from such liberal families are starting the process of arranged marriages, and I see how undesirable a candidate I am.

There's a typical understanding of fair, meek mannered, no drinking/smoking, no previous relationships, preference for educated women as long as you're not interested in working after your marriage, should be willing to give up your life to serve your husband and his family...and soon your own. And I am literally the opposite of any of these criteria.

Women are still expected to just be second class citizens, and if you're a wife/mother you're forced to give up anything that doesn't fit into these roles.

In fact I think the Supreme Court only just struck down the "two finger virginity test" as being unlawful, and that should tell you everything you need to know.

(If you're ever interested to see the standards for women, give the episodes with Akshay on Indian Matchmaking a try. That is a small glimpse into some of the expectations for a typical Indian wife. If you want the exact ones, dm me and I'll tell you which ones)

[Thokkalee]

2 minutes ago, kevinUsa said:

I grew up in the west and feel that I have a healthy relationship with sex and have had sex pretty regularly. Someone I know, who grew up in India, said that unmarried people have sex there but very infrequently, as they usually live with family. I was told that unmarried people cannot check into hotels together there??? I was also told that Indians are generally much more fearful of unplanned pregnancies (to the point of preferring abstinence at times) and that the people in the west are "more sexual."

I don't believe that. I think that most people are sexual and that those with conservative upbringings are probably repressed. Is that fair or too harsh? Thoughts? Counter-arguments?

Veedenti ilaa antaadu.. mana @Sucker uncle emo sex kosam India pothuntaadu.. 

[kevinUsa]

pumpkins_n_mist15

•2y ago•Edited 2y ago•

 

 

I teach school kids in an affluent area and I've been noticing over the past ten years that kids are more and more open about sex and drugs now.

Kids in the school I work at are 'dating' in 4th grade or even before (sitting next to each other, sharing food and stationery); by 7th or 8th grade most have experienced their first kiss and by 9th or 10th grade they're doing it, or trying to. Everywhere.

Regarding 'drugs'/smoking- My school students know what vaping is and many of them have vapes at 15, 16. I'm not saying I approve. They aren't allowed in school and the management likes to pretend they don't exist, but they have been confiscated.

Ten years ago my 9th graders would giggle about potential crushes and stuff and were very much anti-smoking. Some of them wanted to try and they probably did after they turned 16 or 17.

And in my generation (early 00s) we dated in 10th and maybe explored more in 11th or 12th, if at all. I was earlier to this than most of my classmates and had my first kiss at 17. MANY of my girl friends were going out with boys on the sly from their parents, and my parents being cool with my boyfriend and male friends, my house became the default house that they would say they are at till my mother put her foot down. My brother started smoking at quite an early age, 16 or so.

When I was in 10th my school had the sex-ed talk in a mixed group, not boys and girls separate, and I remember a particularly embarrassing point on how males get erect without realising (morning wood) - all girls immediately stared at the boys without being able to stop, and they spoke about how girls dispose menstrual products and all the boys were looking away determinedly. It was excruciating at that time but in hindsight my classmates and I are all glad that we were educated properly on these things. The boys in my class were really respectful of girls who had period emergencies after that, helping with jackets and offered to get medicines and stuff. It was really nice actually.

P.s. This is Bangalore, which has typically always been open-minded about this stuff. It may be different in other cities of India or rural areas.

[kevinUsa]

2 minutes ago, Thokkalee said:

Veedenti ilaa antaadu.. mana @Sucker uncle emo sex kosam India pothuntaadu.. 

same feeling 

@Sucker unnava  aa hurricane lo poyava ??

[johnydanylee]

 

[kevinUsa]

Was the post titled "Sexless Marriage"? If so, I am the OP. I second many observations of yours.

Here's the thing with me and many of my peers, most people start to explore sexuality at 13-14 yrs of age i.e. in 8-9 th standard for most.

I had to get serious about studies from class 10th. My parents told me starts this is make or break time for my career. So I joined a coaching for IIT-JEE, like many others. Put almost 4 hours of self study + 6 hours of school and 3 hours of coaching 3 days a week. So, 9 to 12 hours were just involved in Academic activies a day (though the entirity of school day was not studies, we had our fun). With such a schedule trying for a girl friend was tough.

In 11th and 12th, my studying was even more rigorous. Taking about 10-11 hours a day. There was so much to study for JEE , Olympiads, etc. This was all with rarely attending school.

It was frankly impossible to get a love life in this schedule. If I had tried for a love life at this point in time I wouldn't have gotten into a very prestigious college.

After all this I got into a very highly ranked college. I finally thought now i could try dating. I soon realised that the sex rate is so screwed in these so called tier 1 engineering schools, our dept mearly had 5-6 girls for 70-80 students and we were considered a better dept in this regard. Getting a girlfriend here was hyper compititive due to ratios and also many girls were not so open minded and frankly brainwashed by parents. Also, I realise girls always have more experience in this subject due to how the mechanism works. Guys are supposed to approach girls, so some guy with similar level of attractiveness to girl will always approach her. I had one little dating sene in college for about 7-8 months but then we both split up to attend different grad schools

I attended grad school in the US, now American culture is way different than ours and getting a date in completely new culture and nation is tough. Most American men and women have way more experience both romantically and sexually, at this age . After about 1 and a half - 2 years in grad school I approached and for a wile dated a beautiful Danish girl. She was really amazing all around and I would have married her If not for the fact that I had to return to India and she to Denmark after we worked for a while in US. No 1st world person would agree to settle in a cesspit like India. And for me to Denmark, there is a strong cultural and language barrier to integrate and immigrants are rare and so not looked kindly.

Back in India, getting a girlfriend was difficult. Many girls were very conservative, some only wanted to date in their caste as that is the only way their parents will bless the marriage, many were gold diggers looking for any man that made good money so that they could get the lifestyle of someone who makes in lakhs a month while making few thousand a month.

So arranged marriage was the only real option. I made sure we courted for long time and connected before marriage. Discussed sex and what not but still

Tldr; In india it is so compititive to get a decent life for youself that when it's the age of dating and experimenting you don't have time at all. You start working your ass of in 9-10 th and do it till you get some decently paying job. In india marriage is only possible if the man is financially secure, which in india takes lot of effort . Even for love marriage parents will shun you and won't even consider if the guy is not well settled. Most people ( not only Indians) can't just break ties with their parents, especially, for those who need financial help from parents when starting out ( that is 95% of people right there). The indian system from start to marriage is optimised and suited to arranged marriages