I am socially intimidated by white people as a member of a racial minority and I know I'm not the

[karuvu]

only one 

 

I hate to admit it but it's true. The best way to describe this is I hold a deep-seated belief that white people know "how to" socialize and they define the standard for cool because white upbringing teaches kids properly how to resonate with other human beings. There are tons of biases involved in forming this belief but it's cemented in my psyche unfortunately and I can't figure out for the life of me how to undo it.

All the popular cliques growing up were all-white with sprinkles of POC. The select POC in the white cliques seemed to fawn the whole time as opposed to being an equal friend. I've experienced white guys considered the top tier hottest guys at school randomly make degrading jokes at me and breach my personal space but be respectful and fun to the white girl next to me. Both minorities and whites would support their behavior because they were 'cool'. I've witnessed on several occasions white guys calling school-oriented South Asian or East Asian girls "ugly as hell" to her face as they passed them in the halls. White people of high social status (only white people would reach that status) would treat minorities like , in my school at least, and everyone, both minorities and whites, would support them. So my brain's internalized message was white people were inherently cool and worthy while others had to try attaining it by being like them. If I stood up to a white person, I imagine people thinking on a subconscious level "that weird girl is spazzing out" and not even take me seriously.

Something could be said that my background encourages less self-expression. Closing yourself off inevitably leads to less of an exciting time socially across the board. In part, my internalized racism could be coming up with justifications. The psychological component is hopelessly complex.

My internalized racism is so deep that I believe white people are physically more attractive than people of my race, so I seek their validation on some deep level. I resist it because I know it's unhealthy and unfair to my race but something deep still thinks I need to pull myself up to the level of white people. The indication of if I've "made it" that I chase subconsciously is getting the approval and acceptance of white people, especially the ones that look like the cool kids at my high school. And that keeps the vicious cycle going because I believe I need to play that game to be someone of value.