Random Jokes/one-Liners..

[summer27]

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

 

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

 

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

 

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

[summer27]

A man goes to a liquor store and buys some expensive beer. While heading home he stops at a gas station to get some gas. A smoking hot blonde pulls up next to him and sees that he has expensive beer. Sensually, she asks him "I'm always up for a good trade. How about sex for beer?"

 

He replies "What kind of beer do you have?"

[summer27]

A mailman is doing his final route after 30 years on the job. At the first house he goes to they give him an expensive watch. The second family is waiting for him and gives him an expensive bottle of wine.

 

At the third house their is a hot blonde in lingerie. She takes him into her room and they make love for hours. Then she takes him downstairs and makes him waffles. Finally she gives him a card with $10 in it.

 

He asks her "Why did you do all of this?"

 

She replies "When I asked my husband what we should do for you he said 'F*kuc him. Give him $10 in a card.' The waffles were my idea."

[summer27]

A man walks up to a house and knocks on the door. A woman answers the door and the man yells "Do you have a va*gina?" The woman slams the door in his face. He knocks again and asks the same question, this time she replies "Go away!" This continues for hours.

 

The woman tells her husband about this and he decides to stay home the next day. Sure enough they see the man coming to the door. The husband hides and his wife answers the door. The man yells "Do you have a vag*ina?" The woman answers yes. Then the man tells her "Does your husband know that? Maybe if he did he would stop using my wife's."

[summer27]

Mrs. Smith asks her class, "What part of the body grows ten times larger when stimulated?"

 

The class is silent so the teacher asks them again. This time a little girl named Emily raises her hand, "Mrs. Smith, you shouldn't be asking seventh graders this kind of question. I'm going to tell my parents."

 

Mrs. Smith ignores her and calls on Jimmy. He answers, "The pupil in your eye."

 

Mrs. Smith replies, "Very good Jimmy," then she turns to Emily, "Now for you young lady, I have three things to tell you. First, you have a very dirty mind. Second, you didn't do your homework. Third, you are going to be very disappointed."

[summer27]

A man goes to an assassin because his wife is sleeping with his best friend. The assassin tells him, "It's going to cost you $1000 per bullet."

 

The man says, "What if you miss?"

 

The assassin replies, "I don't miss."

 

With this they head off to the motel where his wife is with his friend. The man says, "I want my wife shot in the head and I want you to blow my friends dick off."

 

The assassin takes aim and waits a few minutes, "Aren't you going to shoot?"

 

The assassin replies, "Hold up, I think I can save you $1000."

[summer27]

What three words does no woman want to hear during s*ex?

Honey I'm home!

[summer27]

A prostitute is at a man's house after accepting payment. The man is in the bathroom taking a shower when the woman realizes she is on her period. She already accepted payment and the man is attractive, so she decides to turn the lights off and leave early in the morning.

 

They have some wild drunkin' sex and the woman leaves early in the morning. When the guy wakes up he sees a pool of blood next to him in the bed. "I must have shot her," he thinks to himself. But when he checks his gun it hasn't been shot.

 

Then he thinks, "I must have stabbed her." But when he checks the knifes in the kitchen their is not blood.

 

At this point he goes to the bathroom and looks up at himself in the mirror, "Oh no! I ate her!"

[summer27]

What does a woman do with her as*shole if she wants to have an orgasm?

She leaves him at home with the children.

[dappusubhani]

summer27

 

 

[summer27]

A man and his wife are setting up the password on their new computer. The man types in 'MyPenis' but the computer denies it. His wife says "I told you it wasn't long enough!"

[summer27]

A husband and wife decide to relive their first date on their 10th anniversary. They come to the fence that they first made love up against. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" She nods and they begin to make love.

 

He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than you were when we started to date!"

 

She replies "The fence wasn't electric 10 years ago!"

[summer27]

How does a wife know if her husband has a high sperm count?

She has to chew before swallowing

[summer27]

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room waiting for the doctor. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

 

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."

 

The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

[summer27]

A man walks into the bank and walks up to the teller. She asks him "Can I help you sir?"

 

The man replies "Yeah, I want to open up a f*ucking bank account."

 

She tells him "Sir, we don't tolerate that sort of language here." She then gets the manager, who agrees that she should not put up with the man's language.

 

The manager approaches the man and asks "Sir, do we have an issue here?"

 

The man replies "No! I just want to put this motherfu*cking 100 million dollars I won in the goddamn lottery into a bank account."

 

"Oh," says the manager, "was this b*itch giving you trouble, sir?"