Random Jokes/one-Liners..

[summer27]

Tom and John are hanging out. Tom asks John, "It's fuckin' freezin' in here. Can you get me my fuckin' slippers?"

 

John goes upstairs to get the slippers and he comes across Tom's hot 21-year-old twin sisters. He tells them, "Your brother told me to have sex with both of you."

 

One of the sisters replies, "Prove it!"

 

John yells downstairs, "Tom! Both of them?!."

 

Tom yells back, "Of course! What's the point of fuckin' one?!."

[summer27]

Tyler and Connor have a friend named Nico. They like everything about him except the fact that he is extremely optimistic and always sees the bright side of everything. So one day they decide to tell him a story that he cannot find the positive in.

 

Nico meets Tyler at his house and Nico asks where Connor is. Tyler tells him "You didn't hear? He found his girlfriend with another guy last night and killed them both then he killed himself."

 

Nico says "Thank God!"

 

Tyler looks at him and says "Are you serious?"

 

Nico says "Yeah, if that would have happened a few nights ago I would be dead."

[summer27]

A man driving down the road slams on his breaks and honks the horn because there is a car stopped in the middle of the road. He storms out of his car and looks inside of the parked car to see a naked couple laying inside. He yells at them, "What are you doing in the middle of the road?! Why didn't you move when I honked?"

 

The naked man in the car yells back, "You were coming, I was coming, and she was coming. You were the only one with brakes!"

[summer27]

(The maid has just asked for a raise)

Mrs. Smith: "Why do you think you deserve a raise?"

Maid: "I have three reasons. The first is that I cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith: "Who told you that?"

Maid: "Your husband did. The second reason is that I clean better than you do."

Mrs. Smith: "Who told you that?"

Maid: "Your husband did. The final reason is that I am better in bed than you are."

Mrs. Smith: "I suppose my husband said that too?!"

Maid: "No, the gardener."

Mrs. Smith: "How much do you want?"

[summer27]

A bunch of nuns die in a freak accident. When they arrive to heaven they meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates. The first nun approaches him.

 

"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" he asked.

 

The nun blushes and says "Well, once I touched one. But just with my finger tip."

 

Saint Peter says "Just dip your finger tips in the holy water and all will be forgiven." He asks the next nun the same question.

 

She replies giggling "Well, I gave a man a hand job once."

 

"Just dip your hands into the holy water and all will be forgiven," he says again.

 

Suddenly there is a lot of movement among the nuns. "What is going on?" Saint Peter asks.

 

One nun comes forward and says "If I'm going to have to gargle the holy water I'm doing it before Sister Mary dips her ass in it!"

[summer27]

What sexual position leads to the ugliest children?

Ask your mom!

[summer27]

How do people know masturbation is great?

 

Firsthand experience!

[summer27]

 A man walks up to a large woman on a table and says "Damn! Nice legs."

 

She replies "You really think so?"

 

The man says "Hell yeah! Most tables would have broken by now. Must be oak."

[summer27]

Two women are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee, so they stop at a cemetery. With nothing to wipe with one uses her panties and the other uses a nearby wreath.

 

The next day one of the women's husbands calls the other, "They are never going out again! My wife came home without panties!"

 

The other replies, "You think that's bad? My wife came home with a card in her crack that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you!'"

[summer27]

A girl hears about her grandfather dying so she goes to visit her grandmother. When she gets to her grandma's house she asks her what had happened. Her grandma replies "We were making love on a Sunday morning and he had a heart attack."

 

The girl is shocked, "Grandma, at your age sex is probably never a good idea."

 

Her grandmother replies "Don't worry dear. Your grandfather and I figured out a safe way. Every Sunday we would make love to the sound of the church bells, they were the perfect rhythm. If it wasn't for the ice cream truck, he would still be alive.

[dappusubhani]

 

Two women are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee, so they stop at a cemetery. With nothing to wipe with one uses her panties and the other uses a nearby wreath.

 

The next day one of the women's husbands calls the other, "They are never going out again! My wife came home without panties!"

 

The other replies, "You think that's bad? My wife came home with a card in her crack that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you!'"

 

 

[summer27]

A man went to the doctor because he could no longer get an erection. The doctor told him to bring his wife in. So the next day the man comes in with his wife. First, the doctor tells her, "Take off all of your clothes." So she does.

 

Next he tells her, "Now turn around... Okay, good. Now lie down." With this he pulls the man aside and tells him, "You are perfectly healthy. I didn't get a boner either."

[summer27]

 A small man goes to jail. His first day in the showers a very large man approaches him and asks him, "With or without spit?"

 

The small man knows it will happen no matter what he says or does, replies meekly, "With spit."

 

The large man shouts to another inmate, "Hey spit! This dude wants a threesome!"

[summer27]

Three swordsmen are competing to see who is the best in the world. The judges tell the first man to step up and they release a fly. With the flick of his wrist the fly hits the ground in two pieces. The crowd bursts into applause.

 

Next the judges tell the second man to step up and they release a fly. With two flicks of his wrist the fly hits the ground in four pieces. The crowd explodes in applause.

 

Finally, they tell the third swordsman to step up and release a fly. He swings wildly at the fly but the fly continues to buzz. The crowd begins to laugh and a judge informs him, "The fly is still alive..."

 

The man replies, "Yes, but he will never have kids again."

[arshad]

 

Two women are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee, so they stop at a cemetery. With nothing to wipe with one uses her panties and the other uses a nearby wreath.

 

The next day one of the women's husbands calls the other, "They are never going out again! My wife came home without panties!"

 

The other replies, "You think that's bad? My wife came home with a card in her crack that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you!'"