Random Jokes/one-Liners..

[summer27]

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)

Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!

...Next Day...

(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!

Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)

Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.

Mom:...

[summer27]

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!" 

[errigaadu]

[summer27]

My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

[summer27]

Guy: Wanna suck my dick?

Girl: No.

Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard!

Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?

[summer27]

Don't ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.

#Based on a true story

[summer27]

(Dad's daughter walks up to him)

Daughter- Dad i gotta tell u something...

Dad- Whats tht?

Daughter- I'm a lesbian.

Dad- Okay.

(Dad walks around then his other daughter comes up to him)

Daughter #2- Dad i gotta tell u something...

Dad- Whts tht?

Daughter #2- I'm a lesbian.

Dad- Damn, does anybody in this house like dick?

Son- I do!!!!

[summer27]

My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."

"No, just your wife's head," I replied.

[summer27]

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" 

Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"

So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk. If you want it harder, you say tomato. If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich." 

So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"

Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!" 

[summer27]

bully: Your dick is the size of a tic-tack

nerd: So that's why your mom's breath is so fresh...

[summer27]

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose:

As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

[summer27]

A dad sees his son swatting a honeybee. He says, "For that, no honey for a month. The next day, he sees his son killing a butterfly. He says, "For that no butter for a month." The next day, he sees his wife kill a cockroach. The son says, "Dad you want to tell her or should I?"

[summer27]

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. 

His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." 

John said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "Who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?" "I'm stupid," he said. 

[summer27]

There's a faggot between Y and I on your keyboard... look!

[KharjuraNaidu]

 

bully: Your dick is the size of a tic-tack

nerd: So that's why your mom's breath is so fresh...