Random Jokes/one-Liners..

[vuvuzela]

[quote name='summer27' timestamp='1340361106' post='1302010204']
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.

The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam.

All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.

The boy said to his friend," My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."
[/quote]

[summer27]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.

The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.

The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini".

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm , that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"

[baa]

[img]http://www.desigifs.com/sites/default/files/68_63.gif?1290058166[/img] inka full timepass

thanks baa

[summer27]

According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe?? Unless your wife catches you

[summer27]

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having oral sex with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

[baa]

[quote name='summer27' timestamp='1340280547' post='1302003482']
A man from Bangladesh named Futh was bragging that in his country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

A gent form Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way."

"Just one?", Futh asked. "And which way is that?"

"Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman--"

"Praise Allah!!", exclaims Futh, "Number 80!"
[/quote]

[baa]

[quote name='summer27' timestamp='1341330604' post='1302073926']
Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having oral sex with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."
[/quote]

[summer27]

A white and a b*lack man were sent to hell for sinful lives. When they got there, they stood in front of the devil and awaited punishment.

The white man came forward first. The devil told him to drop his pants, and he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis and it slowly and painfully melted away.

With the white man laying on the ground in pain the b*lack man stepped forward. The devil told him to drop his pants, and, with a smirk on his face he did.

Then the devil grabbed a hold of his penis... nothing happened, and the b*lack man begun to laugh.

The bewildered devil asked the man what was so funny.

The b*lack man replied, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands."

[summer27]

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure." she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids."

[Vivian_afdb]

[quote name='summer27' timestamp='1334746458' post='1301653976']
[color=#333333][font=HelveticaNeue,]Notice at Church: Do nt leave ur mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girl friends unattended.Others may think it is an answer to their prayers[/font][/color]
[/quote]

[img]http://www.desigifs.com/sites/default/files/sd_pawan_style3.gif?1290372268[/img]

[summer27]

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

[summer27]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

[summer27]

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:

"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in Middle east?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

[summer27]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned, Ms. Smith."

[summer27]

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"