Random Jokes/one-Liners..

[summer27]

There is a teacher, teaching sex ed to a bunch of 5th graders.

She walks to the chalkboard and draws a huge penis on the board!

She turns to the class and simply asked the class, "Class, does and one know what that is?"

The class sits silently for a second or two then little Johnny stands from the back!

He yells, "I know what that is! It's a PENIS! I know cause my dad's got two!"

"The small one he pee's from, the big one he brushes the babysitters teeth with!"

[baa]

[quote name='summer27' timestamp='1341335646' post='1302074280']
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
[/quote]

[baa]

[quote name='summer27' timestamp='1341336025' post='1302074315']
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned, Ms. Smith."
[/quote]
[img]http://www.manadb.com/Smileys/default/Brahmi.gif[/img]

[baa]

[quote name='summer27' timestamp='1341336097' post='1302074324']
There is a teacher, teaching sex ed to a bunch of 5th graders.

She walks to the chalkboard and draws a huge penis on the board!

She turns to the class and simply asked the class, "Class, does and one know what that is?"

The class sits silently for a second or two then little Johnny stands from the back!

He yells, "I know what that is! It's a PENIS! I know cause my dad's got two!"

"The small one he pee's from, the big one he brushes the babysitters teeth with!"
[/quote]
[img]http://www.manadb.com/Smileys/default/Brahmi.gif[/img]

[summer27]

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

[summer27]

The National Science Foundation announced the followingstudy results on corporate America recreation preferences:

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

[summer27]

An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model. He goes to his doctor for a checkup a couple of weeks before the wedding date.

The doctor looks him over and says, "Bill, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing."

"What's that?", asks the millionaire.

"At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care, it could be really deadly" the doctor replies.

Bill thinks for a minute and then says, "What the hell, if she dies, she dies."

[summer27]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

[summer27]

Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved,

"Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual."

Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved,

"Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last."

[summer27]

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.

"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"

So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

"Because,... she won't have sex during meal times!"

[summer27]

A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me that
my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

His friend says, "Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't f*uck her."

[summer27]

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him to the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

[summer27]

During her annual check-up, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"

"Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!"

[summer27]

This elderly woman went to the doctor's office for a check up.

The doctor asked if she had any problems. The woman said that she had terrible farting problem, but they where silent & didn't smell. In fact she had farted at least 10 times since she had been in the office, but as they where silent & didn't smell he wouldn't have known. The doctor listened to her story and then gave her a prescription for some pills. He told her to take these for a week and then come back to see him.

A week later the elderly woman returned to the doctor's office and complained " I don't know what you did but those pills you gave me have got my wind smelling awful, mind you they are still silent but boy do they stink !!"

The doctor replied, "Good, now that your sinuses are cleared up we will work on improving your hearing !!!!!"

[summer27]

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.