Random Jokes/one-Liners..

[summer27]

One day, the boss tells a businessman that he's going to have to cut his salary by 35%.

So, that night, after dinner, he sat down with his wife to discuss ways they could save money.

The husband said, "I have an idea. If you could learn how to cook, we could fire the cook."

His wife replied "Fine. And if you could learn how to , we could fire the gardener".

[summer27]

A 54-year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year old boy toy.

Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 go [b]into [/b]54 many more times than 54 goes [b]into [/b]18.

[summer27]

A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"

[summer27]

When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister??"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."

[summer27]

A moron takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers.

After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar. "Whose dog is tied up out front?"

The moron responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"

"Well she's in heat," says the cop."

"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."

"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."

"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."

At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed.

"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

[summer27]

The RAW, The CBI, and the AP Police are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The PM decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The RAW goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They

question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the CBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the AP Police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[summer27]

Whilst walking his beat, a policeman is bemused to find a young man, clearly drunk, staggering about with a key in his hand.

"They've stolen my car," the drunk shouts. "It was right here earlier, right on the end of this key."

"More importantly, sir," the policeman says, "are you aware that your penis is hanging out?"

"Oh my God!" wails the drunk. "The bastards have got my girlfriend as well."

[summer27]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

The Captain got a foot stool, climbed up on it and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[stunt_master]

[quote name='WestMinister' timestamp='1334753386' post='1301654096']


ezaaaatly...well said and proven time n again
[/quote]

dani meaning telugu loki translate chesuko.

[summer27]

The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"

[baa]

[quote name='summer27' timestamp='1342205038' post='1302128307']
One day, the boss tells a businessman that he's going to have to cut his salary by 35%.

So, that night, after dinner, he sat down with his wife to discuss ways they could save money.

The husband said, "I have an idea. If you could learn how to cook, we could fire the cook."

His wife replied "Fine. And if you could learn how to , we could fire the gardener".
[/quote]
[img]http://lh4.ggpht.com/-VC9UAsl0jkY/T9VVAKa-aCI/AAAAAAAAGo0/IrUGkLHXRt8/s150/PK-3.gif[/img]

[baa]

[quote name='summer27' timestamp='1342205762' post='1302128418']
The RAW, The CBI, and the AP Police are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The PM decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The RAW goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They

question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the CBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the AP Police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
[/quote]

[baa]

[quote name='summer27' timestamp='1341555556' post='1302087523']
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
[/quote]

[summer27]

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming

[summer27]

Two guys walk into a bar. One is a huge monster of a man, and the other a slight, small man. They walk up to the bar and order drinks.

About that time, a thief walks into the bar brandishing a gun. He walks up to the big guy, points the gun at his head, and says, "you've got fifteen minutes to live, what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"

The big guy says, " I want to f*uck everything that moves!"

The thief points the gun at the little guy and asks, "you've got fifteen minutes to live, what do YOU want to do?"

The little guy says, "Stand real still!"