Beginner's Guide To Rum

[timmy]

A Beginner's Guide to Rum

Tired of ordering your regular "vodka and sprite" or the ole "Jack and Coke?" Trying to expand your palate? Or perhaps impress someone at the bar with something a little more sophisticated than a pick-up line? Then come join for a short little guide to Rum and some simple, yet pretty cocktails that you can make at home...perhaps to get some cock or tail of your own. In this short guide, I'll be choosing to ignore spiced rum like the unloved red-headed step-child that it is and instead focus on the three major types of rum.

Light/White/Silver Rum

Possessing little color and a light, if barely existent flavor, it's a lot like a Republican caucus. In fact, much like a High School geek trying to reinvent himself at an out-of-state college, a lot of light rums mask themselves with fruity, sugary infusions that overpower. Looking at you, Malibu. You won't find many you'd enjoying sipping, but they make for excellent mixers. You'll find them in Daiquiris and nature's nectar, the Mojito. Additionally, Light rum compliments citrus and/or mint, and pairs pretty well when cooking fish. Good One's to Start: Captain Morgan White, El Dorado 3 yr, Flor De Cana 4 yr, High End: Brugal Titanium, El Dorado Deluxe Silver 6 Year Aged Rum My personal recommendation: Montanya Rum Platino, winner of the 2015 World Rum Awards and all around good white rum. You can sip it, mix it, bathe in it, and hopefully one day soon replace your blood with it. I must warn you, you might not be able to drink anything else after it. Basically, it's good.

 

[timmy]

The Caribeño

You know it's Spanish, because it's got that baby snake above the n. And like the Spanish, it's very simple. First you'll need 1/4 oz of lime juice and 1/4 oz of simple syrup; being a super nice guy I'll help you, it converts to 1.5 teaspoons for each. Next, get you're hands on some Grade A Mother-rummin' coconut water. You'll need about 4 oz of that premium good stuff. Finally, get 2oz of that sweet, sweet light rum. Now put it all together and shake like a Haitian Earthquake. Strain into a Collin's glass, or a red solo cup, you classy, classy beast. Add ice. Garnish with a slice of lime.

Gold Rum

All that is gold does not glitter, but with it's sweet and rich flavor, gold rum might as well. Aged for a longer period than it's white cousin, it still isn't too great for sipping. You'll tend to find Gold Rum as a nice middle ground between the Dark Rum and Light Rum. Gold rum goes great with sweet foods and adds to the flavor of cake. Good One's To Start: Bacardi Gold, Gosling Gold, Mt. Gay Eclipse High End: Carta Vieja Golden Cask 18 Year Old My personal recommendation: Bacardi Gold, perhaps a bit of a cop-out, I'll admit. What distinguishes quality gold rum from shitty gold rum isn't much other than if it's palatable. Being cheap and not killing you is what gets Bacardi gold the gold. It's a great mixer and it ain't bad to drink straight either.

 

[timmy]

Golden Honeysuckle

This one is a bit stronger than the Caribeño, and is an alcoholic middle-aged housewife wanting to have a potential affair with a handsome young Imgurian's, best friend. Take 2 1/2 oz of that dank gold rum you just bought, 3/4 oz of lemon juice, 2 tbsps of bee semen, and ice. Shake vigorously like a white person at a twerking competition. Garnish with lemon wedge and mint leaves.

Dark Rum

Like an Austrian daughter, Dark Rum spends years locked in the proverbial basement. The time it spends in it's casks gives it it's dark color and a deep and smoky, yet sweet flavor. It's flavor is strong, yet sturdy. It's generally great for sipping, but it isn't too bad with a mixer either. Dark rum goes great with spices like nutmeg, vanilla, or if you're a teenage white girl(not that you should be drinking) pumpkin spice. Good One's to Start: Gosling Black Seal Rum, Ron Abuelo 7 Yr. High End: El Dorado Special Reserve 21yr, Pusser’s 15 Yr Navy Rum My Personal Recommendation: Afrohead XO, somewhere beyond the realm of mortal man lies Afrohead XO. Aged 15 yrs in former whisky casks, it tastes of toffee and caramel and a hint of creamy vanilla. Men like Lenny Kravitz and Dave Matthews would travel all the way to Harbor Island to just get a taste. Only available in the US, watch the Europeans cry into their warm beer and smelly cheeses as you enjoy God's nectar.

 

[timmy]

Dark and Stormy

Hardened sailors once told legends of sea beasts that could crush ships under their tail and of gargantuan waves that would swallow fleets whole. Understandably these brave men would drink dark rum to calm their nerves. While you probably have nothing in common with these men of old with your soft, pudgy bodies and constant complaining about WiFi and Universal Healthcare, you can channel the men of old with a dark and stormy. First, get 2 oz of dark rum, a 1/2 oz of lime juice, 1/2 oz of simply syrup, and 4-6 oz of ginger beer. Add ice and build with lime and syrup first, followed by the ginger beer, and topped off by the dark rum.