Nri Singles - Does This Happen To You ?

[kevinUsa]

Hi,
My parents dont want to ever tell our relatives about my divorce. Due to all the ridiculing, finger pointing, bashing and shaming that usually happens in conservative society when there is a divorce. I totally understand that and dont want them to go through hell and be shunned from the social circle.

I dont care as I am far away in USA and hardly go to India and if at all I go its just 1-2 weeks at home and doing local stuff with parents. No one even knows I am in India. But parents go to all the weddings and engagements etc and pretend I am still married and living in USA with my ex. My ex-inlaws side and my family/ extended family are not in touch for a long time so my divorce did not reach India yet.

When my parents visit me in USA they pretend they are with me, my ex and my son as a regular family. I dont care about the charade as I dont want them to go thro all the crap thats dished out to them in India and as long as I dont have to pretend here in USA .. ( I cut all relatives and friends after divorce as they were too preachy or judgy and retained only few close friends and made new single friends).

My question is... suppose I get remarried, how will this play out ???

If I have another child with my second husband whats the plan ? I told my parents that I will announce my divorce and remarriage on facebook when I get remarried (as i have my entire friends and family and colleagues and literally everyone that I know in facebook ) and move on to the next chapter of my life.

My parents just freaked out and were stunned. Seriously should I just lead a secret life and pretend I am married to ex and leading happy life with him just so they are not scrutinized by society ? Is it not unfair to the new husband to keep him in hiding ? Are my parents so weak and fragile that they cant even stand up for me ? Are they giving too much importance to the stupid society than their own childs's happiness ?

My mom even went one step further and said not to remarry as all men are evil. So its easier for them to hide my divorce. Who does this ??? I would always want my child to find love and be happy.
 

[kevinUsa]

Oh gosh, where do I begin...it was the exact same case with my parents. ) In the beginning they asked me not to tell anyone, hide it etc.

So, here’s the thing. I understood their fear but I also understood that it was just that-fear. People gossip for 2 days and will find something new.

I’m also the sort who hates to lie or hide - whether it is my cancer, divorce or the guy I love or that I’m in a relationship or that I’m getting married because my parents cannot handle a bit of gossip. What I’ve found out is that expressing the truth will always set you free.

Just like you, my friends, cousins, colleagues and extended family are on Facebook. I have always been a writer and had been open about my cancer diagnosis and treatment on FB.

When I got divorced, I promptly went and wrote a post about it. I talked about this very same shaming culture and why it’s so harmful specially as it helps the abusers and not the abused. I mentioned that And that it was time we felt proud that we had the guts to put ourselves out of harms way. And that I’m so happy and free that I am away from a toxic relationship. I got lots of supportive messages. My uncles and cousins also supported me- even the most traditional ones.

As for the neighbors (the ones not on FB) - I broke the news to them when some of them asked me what I had shopped that day (this was when I went to India before my marriage). I said lehenga. They said ohh nice, who's wedding etc. I smiled and said "mine". You should have seen their jaws drop, their eyes go wide. Omg, it was too funny. My mom was right next to me and was hanging her head. Oh well, I am not one to be shy or hide, so I told them frankly in 2 lines that "Yeah, I had a bad marriage. He was mean and used to hit me often. I tried to make it work for years but when it did not improve, then finally got divorced. And its been 2 yrs now. My kids and I are super happy and feel blessed that we got away from a horrible situation. Now I am engaged to a lovely man, who adores me and whom the kids love. Thank you very much. "

They asked me horrified if my mom knew. I laughed and said ofcourse, they are the ones who gave me the strength to walk away from a horrible man and I am so thankful for wonderful, loving parents like that since I know in our culture, they often would leave the girls to die than save them. Ha, that took care of the gossip very nicely. They immediately broke into supportive statements and how ofcourse THEY would always support people walking away from domestic violence. One even told me to bring my fiance to her house next time.

Anyways, what I am trying to say is that if you own your life and decide to be frank and honest about it and show your confidence, people will take their cue from you. If you talk about it regretfully, shamefacedly, then yeah, people will pick on that as well and make patronizing comments. But if you tell them that you love where you are right now and the decision you took, people will admire that too. It all depends on what and how you say it.

And yeah, I did not check with my parents before I posted it. It is my life and I get to decide what I want to share or not share. I told them a day later along with the fact that all their fears were unfounded and that all relatives were on board with the idea of me leaving a jerk. One uncle even expressed the desire to break a few bones of my ex given the chance. They all gave me blessings and wished me well. My mom was shocked and was lost for words. I told her, don't worry, everyone is fine. Stop being scared. And I repeatedly told her that EVERYONE was supportive. She did not like it, but hey, when my soul is on fire, you can't stop this girl.

Anyways for inspiration, this is what I put on FB a few yrs back. Feel free to use whatever part might work for you
"
I was mentally celebrating yesterday morning for having beaten cancer- it's been exactly one year since I finished my radiation treatment..and ended the day by celebrating another milestone occasion for me- my divorce finally became final last evening!

I have been quiet about this part of my life before because till everything including the custody of my two girls was final, I did not want to take the risk of my ex using my Facebook posts as ammunition during our courtroom battle.

But now that the ink is dry on the paper, I feel so happy and liberated..and I thought it was the right time to share some of the stuff that I have been through and also that it would be cathartic for me to pour my emotions out..

People think facing my cancer was difficult..but no, facing an abusive marriage was worse. Cancer only damaged my body, but the physical and emotional abuse I went through was damaging to my spirit. It took me months of therapy to heal and it is still an ongoing process for me. The bruises from being slapped or choked or having faced the wrong end of a fist went away in a few days but it took much much longer for the feeling of being violated in my own house to go away from my heart. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary, not the place you live in fear.

We speak highly of Indian culture and yes, there are parts of it that are to be admired, but there are some parts that cast big shadows...we are still hesitant to speak about domestic abuse..we think physical abuse happens only in poor and uneducated households..we think emotional violence is not that big a deal..we are told it is the woman's responsibility to keep the family together..at all costs - even that of her life.

My ex knew he had serious anger issues, but honestly thought that my finally informing my parents that he was hitting and abusing me was not the act of a traditional Indian girl. His threatening to kill me during my cancer treatment, being yelled and screamed at after every chemo treatment (because apparently I was just pretending to be sick to avoid housework), telling me that I deserved my cancer because I stopped 'listening' to him, threatening to take my kids away from me - sometimes it felt as if I was fighting a cancer inside and outside..and there were times I questioned in extreme distress, whether surviving cancer was worth it..

I am so glad that my family rallied around to support me during this time..they gave me the courage to file for divorce in the middle of my treatment when I could bear no more..

The last year has been extremely difficult fighting false allegations in court- against my mental stability and character, whether I was a good mother etc ... along with the astronomical legal fees..all my savings are gone and I'm deeply in debt - borrowed from family and friends..I don't know if I will be able to keep my house or not beyond the next few months..but I do know this - not for a single moment have I regretted this. As I was telling one of my friends the other day- it was a decision that took me a long time to arrive at, but once taken was the best and easiest decision of my life.

"All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm's way."

Amen!"

Hope this helps.

[kevinUsa]

It's always good for your parents and you to tell the truth. Once everyone knows about it, no one will ask anymore questions. If they/you hide the truth, you all have to tell lies over lies, which is not at all good and put you all in trouble only.
Once the truth is told, you don't have to worry about what the society says or thinks.
You are good to take your own decisions without any hesitation.
Whether you do good or bad, society always says one or other thing.
Everyone in the society has their own problems... they don't know how to find a solution for themselves but they always poke nose into others problems and try to find or recommend a solution. Ridiculous...What a stupid society?!! Just ignore the society.
You separated from your ex disliking him...why do you wanna pretend as if you are living with him? Your kid tells the truth about your status everywhere and you can't stop that. If you say something else, will it not be contradictory?
Your parents are filled with apprehension at shame or embarrasment to tell the truth. They should understand that there is nothing shame or embarrassment in this. Its just a matter of status.
It's better to tell the truth now itself and you all have a peace of mind.
'All men are evil'?. Tell your mother that your father and her father are also men.

[kevinUsa]

ey, just wanted to add- it is extremely unfair of your parents to ask you to hide your life from others. They are putting the load of their insecurities on your shoulders. But also understand that this is one area where you will have to tell them that you do not agree with them and you will do what you think is best. If they keep going on and on about it, stop discussing this topic with them. You’ve said what you had to say and it’s not up for discussion any more.

Believe me, they might not understand and will oppose whole heartedly but if you do not engage with them on this topic, there is nothing they can do.

And after the news gets broken and the freshness of gossip subsides, everything will be fine, including them.

For me I take it as a lesson to enforce my boundaries with them. They are my parents but they are also human beings with their own flaws. The first time I was taking my fiancé to meet them, they asked me not to bring him to their house - what will the neighbors say. Ugh. I told them I was extremely disappointed in them and that I’m hurt by their behavior. I told them in that case I will stay with my fiancé and only come to meet them for a few min. Or maybe not come at all. Even after all their support and love on other aspects they could not get rid of their insecurities. I did not talk to them for a couple of weeks. After that my dad called up and said they’ve changed their minds and it was ok for me to bring him. Of course after they met him they fell in love with him and kept hugging him and saying they are so happy for us. but my point is, don’t expect them to change their mindset anytime soon. Do what you want to and just inform them. They will learn to deal with it, believe me.

[kevinUsa]

Many of them have given the right advice here. My 2 cents, you don't have to go and voluntarily tell everyone about your divorce but at least if anyone asks about you and your ex, please do not pretend that you are married to him. You can simply mention 'That you are on your own' and put a full stop to it. You can tell people when you have the right state of mind to share it. Also, in case you happen to re-marry another indian, say its an arranged or even if its love marriage, he or his parents may do a background verification(it happens) and will try to talk to your common friends/relatives/neighbors to know about you, in such case if people still think that you are married to your ex, imagine what would be the take on the to-be groom or his family. Its like you guys have been hiding this for so long and questions like 'is there any more hiding'. You have been already strong to come out of a bad marriage and so I see you as a bold women who could handle this even more wisely. Parents fear are understandable but one day they have to let it go. You have a life to live peacefully and happily.

[kevinUsa]

Many of them have given the right advice here. My 2 cents, you don't have to go and voluntarily tell everyone about your divorce but at least if anyone asks about you and your ex, please do not pretend that you are married to him. You can simply mention 'That you are on your own' and put a full stop to it. You can tell people when you have the right state of mind to share it. Also, in case you happen to re-marry another indian, say its an arranged or even if its love marriage, he or his parents may do a background verification(it happens) and will try to talk to your common friends/relatives/neighbors to know about you, in such case if people still think that you are married to your ex, imagine what would be the take on the to-be groom or his family. Its like you guys have been hiding this for so long and questions like 'is there any more hiding'. You have been already strong to come out of a bad marriage and so I see you as a bold women who could handle this even more wisely. Parents fear are understandable but one day they have to let it go. You have a life to live peacefully and happily.

[kevinUsa]

do not see a correlation between the first part (which can be said to be a fact) and second part (which is merely an opinion/judgement).

As a human being, you should live for yourself as well as in harmony with others in the universe. Getting a divorce does not equate to being selfish and not caring for others.

A healthy relationship (be with whomsoever), should not leave you feeling disrespected, belittled, upset, hurt and upset. Allowing your soul to suffer like this is doing an injustice to your own soul.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”

The above has been said not by me but by Buddha. He spoke about loving kindness- that starts with you, yourself, then extends outwards, family, community, wider network etc. Notice that he did not say to suffer in silence while others are pushing you or trying to control your actions.

Having the confidence and the maturity to set your boundaries clearly - on what is acceptable vs what is not in interactions with others- does not mean you are ONLY living for yourself. It means you are helping others treat you better leading to better co-existence amongst everyone else.

[MagaMaharaju]

🙄

[samaja_varagamana]

baa endi baa idhi denamma jeevitham