#26212-"LONG POST - 27 Unmarried living in US.

[kevinUsa]

Right now, I am just hanging by the last strand of hope in my life and on a verge of a terrible break down and I am very scared to even be there as I don’t really know how I would convince myself to pickup my broken life and build it up again. Just to establish myself - I am a Good looking Indian girl with loving educated parents. I am very outspoken, extroverted person & sometimes people think that i am arrogant and straight forward. My parents are my strength and weakness , they made me pursue my dreams no matter what .But I would say they are conservative in terms of marriage and only want me to get married in my community for which I honestly don’t blame as I don’t want them to hear nasty things from the society where they lived all their life. Coming to my Relations

Note : Before you judge me for having 1 or more relations , I was never the person to walk away from them. I am a type of girl who thinks that she found her ""OTHER HALF"" and best friend and confide completely with that one person and that relationship becomes her world .

1. I was in a relationship with a guy when i was back in India while doing my Undergrad and he was from my university too. Its very funny when i think about it now of how we first met. The first time i spoke to him was to shout at him because of some comments made by him & his friends . After a month he apologized to me and we started talking regularly for next 2-3 months. As I mentioned I was a above avg looking girl I had admirers or random followers, wrong calls & messages and one day while I was on a call with him I mentioned about some guy bothering me and he suggested that a girl like me should never be single and implied that’s he’s interested in me ,He was my crush however and he’s from my community too. So I was very happy to be his girlfriend . He was definitely an amazing guy and we were totally in love for 2 and half years until we graduated and he left to some other country for higher studies and i left to US for my Masters and v broke up for couple of months. But we immediately got back after 2 months of distance and stayed in relation on & off (Long distance fights sucks) for next 2 years or more until one day we became distant apart that he didn’t even care to wish me on my birthday and when i wished him for his birthday he did not reply or never reached out to me after that. For a while i thought it was just one of long fights or misunderstandings between us but as I realized that our relation is over it broke my heart . I used to remember him all the time and it took me quite few months to hang out with friends and have fun like a normal persoN.

2. Over this process of getting over him which was actually not happening as i still used to dream every night and i used to sit and cry rest of the night thinking about why did it end and what could i have done differently to keep make it work. One fine day there was a party happening in our campus housing and i met a senior who has already graduated from the univ but came there down to visit his friends. We started casually hanging out and i never really enjoyed his company unless i am down a beer or two. Slowly we were meeting every day and it became our routine before we realized we started seeing each other and everything has happened very casually that noone of us thought it would be a deal. But once i moved out of the univ we realized its much more than casual feelings between us and we were madly in love. When people say you only ONE Person like truly in your lifetime , for me i guess its him. I don’t know how i fell hard for him from feeling awkward to hangout with him to just watch him while he sleeps and think Damn !I really love this guy. He was the most genuine ,loving ,innocent guy and I was just so so so much in love with him. But because of my anger & ego i used to hurt him and fight like all couples. He could never see me cry or hurt me and if he ever did hurt me he used to fly overnight to come and apologies and this happened not just once or twice. Over the years i finally wrapped my head that he’s my man and i couldn’t live without him . He was from my community & met my parents and everything seemed well until his parents were against it and everything started falling out of place. We had constant arguments and my parents wanted me to marry to other good profiles but he said he'd never give up on me. Me just being a mad girl to trust and blindly be in love with this guy I ignored everything else . I rejected every single match and finally one day out of nowhere he said he doesn’t love me anymore after 3 years relation and asked me to marry my parents choice. I never knew how bad a person could get mentally disturbed until this happened to me. I was a lost soul and in extreme pain and went into depression which i did not realize until it became worse.

3. While i was mourning over this guy like literally more than a loved person death ,I met other guy through common friends and I clearly told him that I am in no place to be in relation and cant do it over again. He said he wanted to marry me and cant live out me and would never leave me until his last breath. I guess i never loved him but convinced myself that i have to move forward with my life and introduced him to my parents and everything seemed going well. Until one day my depression and anxiety became worse and i need to see a psychiatrist to get over constant anxiety . I have not shared it with anyone except this guy who I thought would love me or atleast be there for me no matter what. But unfortunately couple of weeks after i told him this he started behaving very weirdly and would pick up a fight over small issues Once i flew down to his place to surprise him and he wasn’t happy to see me and didn’t even talk properly or even kissed me/ hugged me. I was completely broken and that behavior hurt me so much that I said breakup to him for which he asked me not to do that to him for one day and very next day he wanted to end this relation. Until then i did not know he has such anger issues that he keeps hitting things hurting himself and throwing things around him. Still I was emotionally no place to go through a heartbreak again so I convinced myself and compromised with him. But over the months I felt terrible in the relation as he never cared for me or spoke to me nicely and would barely talk to me. All this while I was still struggling with anxiety . One day I made up a mind after he hit the wall with some object while I was in the other room and I was done. I broke up with him and honestly I wasnt even feeling very bad. Staying with him seemed the worst.

Concern - After my first breakup I consoled myself its not my fault that my first relation fell apart, But when the second relation where I truly learned the meaning of love and blindly loved him and took care of him when he needed me and he still left me saying that he couldn’t commit to marry me or wasn’t ready. And this third guy too, I always felt he did things in a way for me to get upset and then i would say breakup so he can blame me for the breakup. After all this I am not sure if something is wrong with me ? or is there no thing called true love anymore? I am scared to think about marriage as I keep thinking he would leave me too like everyone else and this is some way of universe telling me I am unworthy of love. I guess I have already hit the rock bottom asking for suggestions to the people I don’t even know or neither do they know me.
SORRY for reading through my boring sad life . But feels good to pen it down.”