inter marriage language

[kevinUsa]

I have read most of the comments to this question. The stories are similar, some worse than others and some better. Although the question is a little old, I still feel like answering since it is very relevant today even in 2019! My story is a tad bit long, so sit back, read, and give your views.

I got married last year. I am a Maharashtrian and my Husband is a Tamilian. It was an arranged inter-language marriage. We are both from the same caste. We liked each other and our parents agreed and thus I was ‘adopted’ into the new family.

My parents listened to small small requests of my in-laws and we did the entire wedding in TamBrahm style just like they wanted. It was fun and nice so we didn’t mind.

After marriage since my husband works out of India, I too had to leave everything behind and shift abroad which obviously I knew and agreed to, bcoz I liked my husband.

We stayed on our own for a few months after which the in-laws arrived.

Then the issues started. Before that also, my mom-in-law used to try and control us even on the phone, but that was nothing compared to my experiences after I have started living with them.

Now I am a well qualified, educated woman, a Physiotherapist by profession. I come from a good family where my parents have taught me culture and to respect others but at the same time encouraged me to be independent and have a life of my own.

Looks wise, I am very fair and slightly overweight. (to all those who think being fair has an advantage, please continue reading below, and you will understand how I was criticised) Some people call me good looking, but I would say I try to look presentable at most times and that’s about it.

Now, as soon as my in-laws landed, the controlling and criticisms started. The things in the house were moved around, everything from what I cook to how I look was monitored ( and still is)

The biggest unpleasant surprise came in the form of my Father in law, who once accused me of not giving him a pincard number , deliberately indirectly indicating I am after my husband’s money.

That led to a row in the house and ended up in me crying.

I am constantly chided for being too emotional and overreacting.

My husband is supportive when there is a fight but he tells me to let go of the small things.

What he doesn’t realise that these 1000 small things accumulate to form a big thing.

I am expected to follow orthodox traditions like not cooking in the kitchen when I have my periods, not sit in the room or sit in the corner of a room when I have my periods, not show PDA with my husband and not touch him in front of my father-in-law, etc etc.

Not to drink water by making your glass jhoota (directly drinking) but drink from above, etc etc

I cannot wear anything abbove my knees. even comfortable shorts.

I am the only child of my parents and I haven’t been to see them for almost a year after marriage.

Whenever I talk on the phone with my parents they eavesdrop and say your parents should not influence you. You are married so don’t tell everything to them, basically wanting to keep a good image of themselves and try to put me down and control me in the house.

So now I do out and have a conversation with my parents and never speak to them in front of my in-laws.

Basically, they are typical gaavwallas who have lived in a foreign land for years but mentality is totally misogynistic and patriarchal.

They just want an educated servant for their son. Thankfully my husband is a good man else I would have run away.

My mother in law nastily said to me:

-My son didn’t want a “fat girl” but you are one

-My son didn’t want a girl who is a doctor or any medical field but you are from that field

-my son didn’t want someone who has spectacles but you do

-You are just fair, else you have no good qualities in you.

-We can say that you cannot get any job here ( I am still searching for a job since I am staying outside India) so you conduct these stupid workshops (I conduct workshops related to dance and movement so I can earn money. I love conducting those)

-So basically I was deemed totally unfit and valueless by her and my FIL. My profession, my happy go lucky nature, nothing was of value for them.

I left my flourishing career and prospects in India for their son. I left all the comforts that come when living in India like having a maid, for their son.

After all this I was terribly hurt, since nothing I did seems to please them or make them happy.

Then after falling sick and getting depressed and doing some thinking, I have realised one thing.

These in-laws of mine and most other people I guess first of all cannot accept that the times have changed and they cannot expect their son and DIL to behave exactly like they did in the 1960/70s

They get jealous because daughters and women of today get more opportunity and freedom than they did.

The mindset is totaly still patriarchal and everything is expected from the bahu and the son should just sit like a 3 year boy who cannot do anything, which netheir me nor my husband agree to.

My mother in law is terribly insecure of me replacing her in her son’s life. Hence, wants cntrol over the kitchen and house

They don’t realise that parents cannot take place of wife and wife cannot take place of parents, both are equally important in a man’s life.

As I write this, chup chup ke in my room, I have got to get up and do the chores

My in-laws aren’t bad people I will take care of them when they are ill

But I have decided I shall no longer continue to stay with them for extended periods of time since it makes me ill and depressed.

I have made this clear to my husband already and he agrees to most part of it.

So to keep peace, I shall continue doing what they say, but I am struggling to retain my identity and shall claim it back slowly but surely and make way for my dreams too.

It’s going to take a bit of time, but I am determined to do it. slow and steady wins the race.

So in short, Most Indian women don’t like to live with their in laws. I for sure don’t. I would say living independently is the best option. Don’t cut them off from your husband’s life ,they are his parents after all , but just keep them at a one arm’s distance. Be diplomatic, do your duties but follow your dreams too. It’s a tough ride so brace yourself beforehand so that you don’t have as many unpleasant surprises as I did.

That’s how life is after marriage for me.

I just vented out the thoughts aas they came to me. Thank you Quora and quorians. I like this place since it is a good platform to share emotions. much love to all who read this.

[Biskot2]

ok , we love pk

[Anta Assamey]

Idi daily serial kante daridram ga undi story .... 

[chicchara]

vrey good grammar and writing skills. vocab skills are right up there