My wife and I had an agreement to help put each other through school. Now that she's through, she's filing for divorce (NM)

[ShruteSastry]

Myan, is this real or some forum post to generate traffic.

A guy will be able to see if a girl is drifting away, unless she is Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl).

[MRI]

1 minute ago, betapilli said:

Right, I have a theory about this from my point of view. In academia, years after your PhD are very important when you apply for grants. There are several million dollar grants that one is only eligible for within 10 years of PhD. Most women are fighting with a ticking biological clock when they apply for these grants. They either have to choose between having kids or getting some of these grants. Some end up getting these grants but don't have children as a result. Some want to have children after and end up having miscarriages. This is one of the main reason why you don't see as many female professors in Universities. I don't think it's fair to treat men and women the same way, since men are not fighting with a ticking biological clock. That's why there is a need for equity, not equality. 

Interesting.. and I do not support with this 10yr eligibility.. Can you even educate me on what is the opinion of the proponents of this criteria?

I am also kind of lost with this equity term.. many present it in a different way.. equity in this situation makes sense..

finally, I would like to ask you couple things.. why do you think women choose to commit to men who do not support with kids' responsibilities? Also, how fair is it to ask for sanctions against all men just because of called out experiences?

[Sputnik]

Just now, zarathustra said:

Thanks bro, I wasn't always like this. I was a hot headed guy in my youth and even into my early 30s. I felt bad that I married finally when I was 35 but now that I think about it it's probably a good thing. I wouldn't have wanted to marry anyone else but who I am married to now

That's really good to hear. Timelines anni society ke. As long as we don't regret our choices we're all good.

Even I was hot headed too and I feel am more matured and balanced now.

I like the way you put it. You're practical enough to realize that picture perfect relationships don't exist and it all takes effort to make things work and you're willing and even happy to make those efforts.

 

[Sputnik]

2 minutes ago, ShruteSastry said:

Myan, is this real or some forum post to generate traffic.

A guy will be able to see if a girl is drifting away, unless she is Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl).

this is right. Achaanak jhalak la epudu undadhu. There would have been red flags through out unless he was that dumb to ignore all of them.

[zarathustra]

6 minutes ago, Sputnik said:

That's really good to hear. Timelines anni society ke. As long as we don't regret our choices we're all good.

Even I was hot headed too and I feel am more matured and balanced now.

I like the way you put it. You're practical enough to realize that picture perfect relationships don't exist and it all takes effort to make things work and you're willing and even happy to make those efforts.

 

YEah even now we aren't perfect, far from it. I don't think there exists a perfect relationship either, I don't understand my own self sometimes so to understand another complex human being is out of question. I guess what I have now that I didn't have before is a sense of acceptance, that not always does the other person understand you and vice versa. In the past, while I might have tried go above and beyond to convince someone of my point, I don't do that anymore. 

Things will unravel the way they should anukuni odilestha. That makes everything so much better

[Sputnik]

1 minute ago, zarathustra said:

YEah even now we aren't perfect, far from it. I don't think there exists a perfect relationship either, I don't understand my own self sometimes so to understand another complex human being is out of question. I guess what I have now that I didn't have before is a sense of acceptance, that not always does the other person understand you and vice versa. In the past, while I might have tried go above and beyond to convince someone of my point, I don't do that anymore. 

Things will unravel the way they should anukuni odilestha. That makes everything so much better

yes we evolve with time and experiences.

Ofcourse kondaru akkade aagipotharu anukondi. That's another story.

As long as you have a spouse who is like your best friend it's all good IMO.

[betapilli]

9 minutes ago, zarathustra said:

When we were just corresponding over phone and video when it was long distance, we had little to no disagreements on a lot of issues. 

 

 

But once we got engaged and I moved in with her(this is before we got married), we had a few really serious fights and arguments like atleast once a month. And 2 days before our marriage, we had the biggest fight ever and even said we regret marrying each other. After we came back from our honeymoon, we had another huge fight and it all made me wonder if we would even be together after one year. 

 

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However, once we started understanding each other more our fights subsided and I started looking at things from her perspective as well. Same with her, even if we disagree we are very polite towards each other about it and discuss why we disagree with what we disagree about. We also watch our tempers when we are mad at each other and try to curb them, she puts in effort as much as I do. That's why I wouldn't want to leave her and go away, to get this place it took a while for us and I don't want to undo it. 

Career is okay but I think even having a very successful career without a happy personal life isn't gratifying, atleast to me. I believe I can balance both eventually, she's also supportive in every way about my career choices and if I decide to switch careers etc. 

Only point of contention is that our parents aren't as close to each other as we would have liked them to be, but then again her parents treat me like their own son and she treats my parents like her own parents as well. So that way we all are on the same page. 

Yeah, I agree. Living together is hard in the beginning, long distances are hard if you never lived together. Sometimes you don't want to compromise on career choices, having a stable relationship helps in making those decisions. When we decided to do a long distance, we were already living together for 5 years, so we didn't hesitate to live across the country. If we never lived together, we probably wouldn't have been so comfortable doing a long distance at that time. 

[zarathustra]

Just now, betapilli said:

Yeah, I agree. Living together is hard in the beginning, long distances are hard if you never lived together. Sometimes you don't want to compromise on career choices, having a stable relationship helps in making those decisions. When we decided to do a long distance, we were already living together for 5 years, so we didn't hesitate to live across the country. If we never lived together, we probably wouldn't have been so comfortable doing a long distance at that time. 

Yep, as I said maybe down the line I might move to a different place for better opportunities. But not before we atleast live together for a couple of years

[betapilli]

10 minutes ago, MRI said:

Interesting.. and I do not support with this 10yr eligibility.. Can you even educate me on what is the opinion of the proponents of this criteria?

 

 

I am also kind of lost with this equity term.. many present it in a different way.. equity in this situation makes sense..

 

 

finally, I would like to ask you couple things.. why do you think women choose to commit to men who do not support with kids' responsibilities? Also, how fair is it to ask for sanctions against all men just because of called out experiences?

The reason they have this 10 year elligibility is so they fund young assistant professors. Most Universities want assistant professors to get some of these grants, in order to grant them tenure to become a professor. Since these grants are so competitive, they have a requirement that people who have more than 10 years as being inelligible. Equity in this sense would mean that the deadline (10 years) be extended for women and not for men. So, in this case it would be treating them with equity, not equality. 

[MRI]

6 minutes ago, betapilli said:

The reason they have this 10 year elligibility is so they fund young assistant professors. Most Universities want assistant professors to get some of these grants, in order to grant them tenure to become a professor. Since these grants are so competitive, they have a requirement that people who have more than 10 years as being inelligible. Equity in this sense would mean that the deadline (10 years) be extended for women and not for men. So, in this case it would be treating them with equity, not equality. 

Why? So women who force not to have kids also will benefit? What about men who are struggling with health and family issues? They are still not eligible? 

 

asking to reclaim maternity leave time for these 10yrs makes sense.

 

[betapilli]

22 minutes ago, MRI said:

 

finally, I would like to ask you couple things.. why do you think women choose to commit to men who do not support with kids' responsibilities? Also, how fair is it to ask for sanctions against all men just because of called out experiences?

I don't know why women would choose men who don't commit to kids' responsibilities. Having kids or not having kids should be a conscious decision that both parents take based on their circumstances. What sanctions are we talking about here against all men? 

[betapilli]

5 minutes ago, MRI said:

Why? So women who force not to have kids also will benefit? What about men who are struggling with health and family issues? They are still not eligible? 

 

asking to reclaim maternity leave time for these 10yrs makes sense.

 

Let me rephrase it, women with kids should get an extension. So should women who suffered miscarriages. Miscarriages are quite common for women in academia. 

[MRI]

1 minute ago, betapilli said:

Let me rephrase it, women with kids should get an extension. 

people with life circumstances should get an extension.. kids are also a personal decision.. for a couple's benefit, asking everyone else to slow down/loose out doesn't make sense.. accident ayina janaalu.. cancer fight chesina janaalu.. veellem paapam chesaaru? 

[betapilli]

Just now, MRI said:

people with life circumstances should get an extension.. kids are also a personal decision.. for a couple's benefit, asking everyone else to slow down/loose out doesn't make sense.. accident ayina janaalu.. cancer fight chesina janaalu.. veellem paapam chesaaru? 

Sure, they can get it. But it's not as common as women having kids or women having miscarriages. NIH always has something about medical circumstances and extensions based on that. But, child bearing and miscarriages are a lot more common, if they want to have any women professors. That's equity, not equality. 

[VictoryTDP]

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