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vamprie

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Swatkat LEGEND

Swatkat

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5 minutes ago, vamprie said:

10ga Kandi ra babu a threads vethukuthna format ledu inka bec of too many threads..evari kanna dorikithay veyandin babu.

Edho oka post eyyi bro bagubtey subscribe avtham kaama pisachulu antha

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vamprie Hero

vamprie

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#familymatters
Long post alert. 

I have never posted on a public fb group anonymously. But have seen the members of this group actively participate. 
I don’t know if I am looking to vent here or any advise but I do want to atleast share this out. 
I am a middle age woman in 40s, married for 16 yrs, 2 children. 
Ours was an arrange marriage with only couple of months of courtship, those were spent preparing/shopping for marriage. Both of us come from middle class families from north India. He being from metro and I from smaller town. His family more constricted than mine. When we first talked into matrimonial alliance we both knew about the age gap of 5 years, he being 30+. 
I come from engg background (non-IT) and masters from IIT and was working in NCR when married. He is a an IT guy- good man, all good but our thought process don’t match. I could sense this somewhat just one week before our marriage and talked about my fears with my mom and cousin sister. Both mentioned it’s the nervousness before marriage. 
His personality- reserved, introvert, not many friends, no excitement about life or anyone., Very critical-always finding faults and frugal. It isn’t that there are only negatives in him. He is calm, understanding, warm, good natured, gets along well with people around (on superficial basis) like my friends and family, doesn’t yell or shout, takes care of kids, responsible, good looking. 
My personality- sensitive, keeps things to my heart, constantly needs motivation or attention, take people on face value only-sees only positive, doesn’t dive deep or evaluate them critically unless persona harm, likes to be around people and friends, looks at life as an opportunity, have few wants rather than only needs, always wanted to be financially independent, can be aspiring, competitive and wanted to grow professionally, and as per my friends say- moderately attractive. 
From the day of marriage, I felt he doesn’t feel excited about me or life, very limited scope or perspective. Not spending any money. All about saving so much so that he didn’t spend a single penny on our marriage. Even our engagement ring was bought by his father. No gift when at that time in India his package was 6-7 lacs. On the other hand I being  from non-tech industry, did my masters from my scholarship, fended to my 2 yrs of job in metro by myself. Shared some expense on my marriage. We stayed with his parents after marriage for few months, he never gave any money to his parents (father retired- no pension, mother- house-mom). We didn’t go any places, only honeymoon which was also sponsored by my father in law company benefits to retired employees. His parents till date don’t take a single penny from us. On the other hand, when we had our first fight, I got flowers delivered to his office and he never told his parents it’s from me. Told them there was something at his office and he and his parents said why people spend money on flowers when they don’t last. There are numerous scenarios on frugality. And then his criticism to most of the things- you are from small town, don’t walk like that, don’t spend like that, don’t look at boys etc. Few months down, we both moved to US and I was on h4. Left my job in India. Couldn’t get any job here as no h1b for non-tech jobs and we didn’t know how long we will last in US. 
Don’t know about his past relationships but I had a past relationship which didn’t result in marriage but I continued to stay friends with him. My husband didn’t know this. He knew I am friends with him and all of my other friends too- female and male both. Moving here I was alone at home all the time, with our small small fights all the time. Into our first year, no gift on my bday as we will spend in dollars or Valentine. While his that time salary was 80k- 15 yrs back. I used to chat with my friends including my ex. Little did I know that he might be checking all the Internet history. So once he brought a conversation from my chat with my ex- why is he chatting with you like this. Is there more and all. Hell broke loose. He took away the laptop. I didn’t have the phone at that time. All my access was gone. I had only one friend at that time in US. I couldn’t even talk to her. Was left alone in the apartment for whole days. I used to cry all the time. Said sorry a lot and after couple of weeks he opened up to talk. He told me he doesn’t like my talking to any other male, how can I be more comfortable with them but not him. I told him that he is always judgmental while others are not and it takes away the comfort. To my surprise, he accused me of talking to one of his colleagues too. 
So I was given back the laptop and email access but all my previous emails were gone. New email ids. No social media (only Orkut that time) no yahoo chats. My whole identity was only his wife. No communication with my college friends or previous colleagues. I nodded as I wanted to save our marriage. He then talked to me about starting family. As I didn’t have anything left with me, I nodded as I was the one who was guilty here. 
We had our first child a year later. He moved to another room as baby disturbed his sleep and he has to work in the morning. His parents were here and okay with this. I used to be alone with baby day and night in my room and continued for 2 yrs. Our communications reduced. But life moved on. 2 years gone by. We didn’t have any sexual relationship. He tried approaching few times but there was hardly any quality communication between us and I just couldn’t be available to only have sex. 
In this time after 3.5 yrs I contacted my ex again. I knew he got married. He introduced me to his wife over phone. We 3 connected over fb. I used to talk to them both. Common conversations too. Nothing hidden or more than a friend. But within few weeks my husband got to know and same thing happened. I had my child with me at that time. I was being suicidal. I asked him about divorce as well. During annual check up that time, my GP diagnosed me with clinical depression. Part of postpartum depression diagnosed so late. I was on anti depressants. He took that seriously and tried to change. I also saw changes in myself due to medicinal effects I used to not think too much or was not able to think too much. 3-4 months on medicine he talked to me about trying for second child. I was not ready but accidents happen and I conceived. During this time I maintained e-mail communication with my ex which would be like 3-4 emails annually on Howz life, what’s new. 
Long story short. Years passed by. With 2 children I got busy with motherhood. My relationship with him was never smooth. Still had some triggers where I would walk away from house for couple of hours. Had suicidal thoughts. He moved to other room when second child arrived and I being with kids. He travelled for work within US as well. I made friends in the community… life moved on… I accepted him as father of my children though that love was missing. I was a doting wife and mother- cooking 3 hot mei aka every day, keeping household running with all groceries and shopping for house and everyone in the family- chaperoning my children from one actively to another. Never complained as I wasn’t working. This all kept me occupied and saved me from goin insane. But he never appreciated or noticed me or my hardwork. I know I didn’t bring anything to our bank balance. During this time period, I was always cautious of not talking to any male family friends- just the minimum only. My confidence tanked big time. When I see my female friends talking to him confidently and I just couldn’t dare to talk. 
He only keeps to himself. Only watch videos on YouTube about Sadguru or some other spiritual influencer or TV. No social media. I only created his fb profile few years back. Added 3-4 of his friends. Added myself as spouse. But he never followed it. When I added some pics, he used to get tagged. He didn’t like it. He removed me as his spouse and asked me to remove him from my profile too. 
I always wanted to work but visa restrictions held me. My friends filled me with confidence again. Appreciated me and that became my lifeline here in foreign land. During all those 11 yrs from last incident I maintained communication with my ex on general life stuff. He knew about my married life complications. We talked over phone couple of times too. During last 16 years I haven’t shared any of this with any other friends of mine. Most are family friends where they know him too snd I don’t want them to have any sort of opinion about him. His never had his friends. It was my friends only who became family friends over time and now on the same neighborhood too. So my only confidant has been my ex. 
With h4 EAD couple of years back, I started working in non-tech but with one of the FAANG companies while he was still consulting. Life became better. We had second earning, I always wanted to be financially independent. And had my confidence back. Our relationship improved too. We were happy. Bought our house. Everything was good and positive. But it got jinxed when 5 months back he found out about me keeping in touch with my ex again and since then he isn’t talking to me. He is cooking his own food. We never fought or screamed. He behaves as if I don’t exist. I tried talking to him but no response. Our children are fine. They couldn’t guess much as we behave fine in front of them. Even in front of friends we put on facade. We go out with family friends. My cousin and family visited us for 2 weeks. No one could know. I know I destroyed his trust and ego and that is the reason that I am at loss on how can I mend. 
But all this has made it clear that I can’t risk losing my friendship to my ex. Even after so many years with gaps in communication from months to years, he still can understand me while my husband doesn’t.  My ex appreciates, uplifts, believes that I can do it, boasts my confidence while my husband has a negative approach. He notices all the challenges firsts, doesn’t take risk, thinks all negative first- whole world is there to take advantage of him.  
I only have one consistent friend since last 22 years who connects me with myself as an individual rather than someone’s wife or mother or daughter. I don’t know what I am looking for is fictional only or is it feasible too. I want both. I miss companionship of my husband at home. The laughter and harmony at home. We are surviving with min chores and not growing since last 5 months. It’s driving both of us into depression again. He spends his time working and watching on his phone. I spend my time working and then some cooking and glued to TV.  Will it ever be solved. 
How does male psychology work. Is this a normal behavior.

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vamprie Hero

vamprie

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I am in a marriage where my partner declared he is just in it for kids. Not going into who is at fault or blame game because I think if a marriage fails both have lost. 

 

I have seen quite a few divorcee posts in this group so posting here. 

 

Question: Is it worth it to stay in a loveless marriage for kids ? 

Situation: No physical abuse. No sex. No extended family or money problems. 2 young kids. 10+ years of marriage. I am in mid thirties. 

 

Looking for opinions from people in similar situations and divorcees who know how the path to after divorce is

 

Edit: thank you for all your insight in comments and DMs. I observed that a lot of people suggesting divorce are those lucky ones in good relationships. People in bad marriages see my situation as bad but not worst and are mostly suggesting to make peace. Interesting right! 

 

Any way! I am looking for some female friends in similar situation or female divorcees to hit the happy hour occasionally and generally have fun. Weekend outings movies etc. I specify female because men always go into “ save the damsel in distress mode” when they hear women stuck anywhere. In spite of overwhelming recommendations to open marriage I am not “open” to that idea. If interested leave a comment dm me! I’ll reach out! - location Bay Area

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Thokkalee LEGEND

Thokkalee

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1 hour ago, vamprie said:

Edit: thank you for all your insight in comments and DMs. I observed that a lot of people suggesting divorce are those lucky ones in good relationships. People in bad marriages see my situation as bad but not worst and are mostly suggesting to make peace. Interesting right! 

lol-laugh.gif

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